A Matter of the Heart
All 3 of my own births went a bit differenly. I did end up having an unmedicated birth with all three kids but what I remember most from those births was not the physical labor but the feeling in the room during each one.
In labor, it is so easy to feel lonely or anxious or out of control or afraid. I’ll never forget laboring in the shower with my first baby and sobbing because I felt alone and exhausted. My husband was trying really hard to support me but didn’t really know what to do help me in that moment (we were both exhausted at that point and had been recovering from a stomach bug). I just had to carry through but it would have been so nice to have someone look me in the eye and tell me that yes, this was hard. And yes, they would be right there with me through every contraction.
The first birth was very long and very hard and I went through 3 shifts of nurses. The only thing I remember about the night nurse was that I don’t even remember her name or what she looked like. What I do remember is that I was left alone most of the night during the hardest thing I had ever done. I felt defeated and I remember crying in the shower in the middle of the night feeling exhausted and alone.
If I had just had someone at the moment to look me in the eyes and actually see me..the person who was struggling. Not just a patient, not just someone having a baby, but a person with real feelings and fears. If someone could have looked at me and said “Yes, this is hard. But you are going to make it through this and I am going to be right here beside you through every contraction”. That would have done so much for improving my mental state at that time.
Yes, labor was hard. Yes, it was physical. A doula would have defintiely been helpful in helping me with positioning and getting some relief from all the back labor I was having. But what I really need in those hardest moments was the emotional support of a doula.
New doulas often think about all the tools they need to put in their “doula bag” for births and they often try to stay very busy doing tasks during labors and births. What comes with time, however, is the wisdom that being a birth doula is so much more than doing things. More than anything, it is all about emotional support for the person in labor and their partner. Giving that reassuring look to the partner when the mother starts throwing up during labor that yes this is a normal part of labor. Or holding the hand of someone in labor who has just been told they need to have a C-section after hours and hours of labor. Reassuring someone that if the epidural isn’t working, it is Ok to ask for it to be looked at or replaced. If you don’t feel right, the doula will listen to you and then get others to listen to you, too.
When doulas listen to both the spoken and unspoken language of someone in labor, emotional attunement can make a birth experience so much better. Yes, doulas can do a lot of physical support in labor. What people remember, however, is how they were treated and how they were made to feel. The difference between a good doula and a great doula is absolutely a matter of the heart.