Stop Judging Me!
Can I be brutally honest? When I was a brand new mom there was nothing I hated more than someone asking: “Let me know if I can do anything for you.” I hated that question because I could never answer it honestly. If I had been able to answer it honestly, I would have said: “Stop judging me!”
Just stop judging me!
As a brand new mom it felt like I was being judged constantly. Sometimes the judgment was overt - people making comments about the way I chose to give birth or feed my baby. But a lot of the judgment felt more covert - it was subtle and sneaky and it left me questioning that person’s true intentions. Were they actually just trying to be helpful? Or was that a dig at what kind of mom I was? It drove me crazy.
I’m talking about the comments like:
I would have never felt safe delivering with a midwife, but you seem happy with your provider so good for you.
Isn’t it a lot of work to try and breastfeed? I’m sure your husband would be happy if he could just give the baby a bottle.
Maybe once you introduce some formula or solids your baby will sleep better.
Not everyone is lucky enough to stay home with their baby but I’m sure you’ve found a great daycare.
If there is one thing a new parent does NOT need, it’s unsolicited advice and opinions. But boy oh boy are new parents just bombarded with it from all corners. And when it comes off as judgmental, it can be truly damaging. When you’re a brand new parent, judgment shakes your confidence and makes you doubt yourself. It makes you question your own instincts and abilities. Judgment makes you pull back from the person judging you and can lead to loneliness and isolation. And that is the exact opposite of what a new parent needs.
I was so afraid of not doing things right that when I felt judged by other people, I immediately pulled away from them. That in turn made it so much harder to ask for help not just from them, but from anyone. If I admitted that I couldn’t do it all on my own, would they think I was a bad mom? So whenever anyone told me to let them know if I needed anything, I would just say, “No, I’m fine.” Even when I wasn’t.
So I wish I could have said, “Sure, here’s what I need. I need you to stop with the unsolicited advice and the underhanded complaints and I need you to stop judging me." That’s what I truly needed. (Too bad I didn’t know about postpartum doulas back in the day - that sort of companionship and support is something I also really needed. Because a doula never judges. Never.)