I Cried When I Found Out

I’ll never forget when that digital test confirmed my biggest fear…I was pregnant with our third child. I think I already knew since my period was never late and it was way past due.

That test showed a “positive” and I handed it to my husband and I immediately started crying.

I wish I could say these were tears of joy but they weren’t. I was feeling upset and overwhelmed.

Looking back I likely developed postpartum depression after the birth of my daughter..triggered by having to return to work 3 weeks earlier than expected. That depression went untreated and it followed me into this unexpected pregnancy.

While we were open to the idea of having more children this was way ahead of schedule and I was not in a good place. I was stuck in a job I hated and feeling overwhelmed as the mother of a then-5 yr old and very energetic and extraverted 2 yr old.

I barely had enough energy to deal with everything before that test confirmed the pregnancy. I felt like I was grumpy and had a short fuse with my kids. How was I was supposed to somehow find the energy to grow, birth, and then raise another baby?

Added to all that was the guilt I felt for not being happy about being pregnant. I know how many women struggle to get pregnant and would give anything for that positive test.

So, I did what most of us women do. I just picked myself up and carried on and battled through depression during that pregnancy. I put on a happy face for anyone who had well-wishes about the pregnancy and pretended like I was thrilled about it.

I had a very hard time connecting with my baby during that pregnancy and mostly felt like I was just going through the motions. One thing that finally helped me was that I scheduled a 4D ultrasound about a month before he was due. I didn’t tell anyone anbout it and I went by myself.

I needed that space and that quiet. I saw my baby on the screen and finally came to terms with this new life inside me. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and, at one point, he looked like he was laughing. I cried again but this time it was a happier cry. It took 8 months but I was finally looking forward to meeting this new baby.

That baby is about to turn 14 and I can’t imagine life without him. He really did complete our family but those disappointed feelings that I had when I first found out I was pregnant were dififcult to even acknowledge, let alone navigate.

I write this to say if you find yourself in an unexpected pregnancy, it’s OK if you aren’t filled with joy. It’s ok if you cry. It’s OK if you’re resentful of the fatigue and morning sickness. It’s even OK if you feel this way and you DID want and exoect this pregnancy. Your feelings are valid and I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.